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I miss missing you (SA)

Just a little short thing that I wrote.
(song - The Saturdays, Missing You).

I miss missing you (sometimes).

The grass tickled the back of her neck, but she didn’t let it bother her. She closed her eyes lazily, and her thoughts drifted to that time a year ago, and where she had been then. A very different time that had been, and it was barely a year ago. It was hard to believe really.

It was just a moment, but in that moment she felt it all. It was like that cheesy thing they say that when you’re dying your whole life flashes before your eyes – it was like that, but not. She wasn’t dying, not now anyway, but it was still all flashing before her. Again.

The sun became too intense on her face and she sat up, shaking the grass from her back. She was in control – or she thought she was. It was nice believing that she was anyway. It made life so much easier.

She got to her feet knowing that she couldn’t be alone with her thoughts for much longer. She couldn’t afford to go back now.

But sometimes she just wished she could miss him like she’d missed him before. At least then she’d feel human and not completely numb like this. One day maybe it would all come rushing back to her and she wouldn’t be able to cope. She would destroy herself. But for now....

As she went inside she saw his face. Not for real, but in her mind, his face just flashed in front of her, seeming as real as anything around her. He hadn’t seemed that real in a while – that was strange.

She shook it from her mind.

There was no sense in remaining in the past. She had had to teach herself that, and she had moved on hadn’t she? If you were going to survive you had to fight to stay in the present – you had to live for now, and move on. There was nothing for her to gain from the past and those memories anymore.

It had to be a good thing that she didn’t miss him anymore. Didn’t it? Even if, sometimes, she did admit to herself that she missed that – the missing him. of course she did. Those memories weren’t just going to go away, no matter how hard she tried to make them.

Latest Month

October 2010

quotes and things

“He’s like fire and ice and rage. He’s like the night and the storm and the heart of the sun…

He’s ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of the time and he can see the turn of the universe…and he’s wonderful.”

“They say you’re supposed to talk to people when they’re in a coma, don’t they? I have absolutely no idea whether you can hear me Jack.

I never heard of anyone coming out of one and carrying on the conversation. So I suspect it’s probably something the doctors tell us to do. To make us feel better, rather than help you. We don’t feel quite so useless and helpless. We get the feeling there’s still some sort of purpose in our lives. We’re not just waiting. Waiting for the science to work. Or the miracle to happen. Or the nightmare to end.

I’m not much of a talker Jack, you know that, but I’ll talk to you now on the off chance that it helps.

Just promise me, if you’re hearing this, that when you come round - and you’re going to Jack. You’re gonna come out of this - just promise me you’ll bring up anything I say to you now. How’s that? We got a deal?

This must be the longest I’ve ever looked at you and not see you smile. I’ve watched you in your sleep, did you know that? So many times.

Just woken up beside you in the middle of the night, and watched you. Watched your eyes move behind your eyelids as you dreamed. I tried to imagine what a man like you could possibly dream about. Things you’ve seen. The lives you’ve lived. The people you’ve loved. I wondered if you were dreaming about me, I hoped you’d be dreaming about me.

But let’s be honest Jack. I’m nothing more than a blip in time for you. Everyday I grow a little older. But you’re immortal. You’ve already lived a thousand lifetimes. How could you watch me grow old and die? How can I watch you live and never age a day?

I suppose we both know that will never be a problem. Not in this job. No-one in Torchwood ever lives to draw their pension, do they? Even if, by some miracle, I survive to see my hair turn grey, or god forbid fall out, I don’t kid myself that you’d still be around to see it.

One day you’ll go again, just like you did before, and this time you won’t be back.

Maybe that’s what you’re dreaming about those nights when I watch you sleeping. Maybe that’s why, even when you sleep, I see you smile. But you haven’t gone yet, Jack. I know that. I know you’re coming back to me.”

"But you never will be just a blip in time, Ianto Jones. Not for me."
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