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Again and Again (TW SA)

Title: Again and Again
Rating: pg?
Summary: ‘It was in your eyes, in your eyes, they were just easy lies’....

Characters/Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Disclaimer: the characters all belong to RTD and the BBC, etc, I don’t own them

Author’s Notes: Another of those stories that has been sitting on my computer for ages, nearly finished, and as I decided to tidy it all up, here’s another story! Lyrics are Keane, ‘Again and Again’. Another shortish one, sorry.


Was it all in real time or was it just in my mind?
Was I just a ghost passing through you
Clinging to the wreckage, till I got the message?
Hanging at the edge of the room

Give me something that's real
Give me half of your bitterest pill
Something from under the surface you actually feel
We say these words again and again
But they still sound the same
It was in your eyes, in your eyes
They were just easy lies
Again and Again, Keane.


I watched you from a distance; sat in my corner. Watched as you charmed everyone with that smile, and made them feel at ease, the way you did with me, so many times. And I fell for it every time; fell for the lies, and the pretence.

I watched you at work, again and again, as you read through papers, as you laughed with the team, made those decisions that seemed to come so easily to you. You were our leader, and again and again you looked past me as if I didn’t exist.

Yet I didn’t mind. Or I didn’t let you think I minded. I didn’t let you think anything. You didn’t know a thing. I was invisible to you, and to everyone else. I knew I was, even if I had had those moments when I thought that I might be something more, even after everything had happened. No, I just sat there and followed you all, cleaning up after you and doing just what you asked me.

You said things to me, sometimes, things that made me think I was something more, yet I could see, deep in your eyes, that you were elsewhere, in another place. You weren’t here with me, you never were. And that was fine. I wasn’t going to be selfish about it and demand you should.

In fact I never demanded anything from you.

I should have, the way that you treated me time after time. I should have said something but I never did.

Sometimes I didn’t think that you were real. The way that you acted, the person that you were – and even that we didn’t really know. What we did know was limited. A man of mystery you were. I knew all I could. You knew even less about me. You thought you knew, but I had secrets even you could never know.

I loiter. I wait around, there where you can’t see me, where you don’t want me. In the shadows, that’s where I like to be, until I’m called forward, out of my own darkness.


But you of all people, you know what it’s like to be so alone.

You must know what it feels to like to be like this, to be told the same lies over and over again.

Why do you do it?

Does it give you a cruel satisfaction to see me falling like this? Do you think that I don’t see in your eyes the way that you really are, that I don’t see through the lies? Am I insignificant enough that you can pretend not to see me, day after day?

You say the same things again, but they just sound the same, every time. It must be a well rehearsed show for you. How many times before have you done this, lied like this and told someone the same cruel words? Am I just another dress rehearsal, are you waiting until the real show starts? For me it’s never going to start, if I constantly become the dress rehearsal time after time.

I can see it in your eyes, the lies, the deceit, again and again, you pretend. I can see it all the time, and it’s getting worse, that look in your eyes, it’s growing more each time.

Surely it’s too late now, to go on pretending?


Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
owensheart
Sep. 9th, 2010 07:20 am (UTC)
Wow such powerful and beautiful writing. Heartbreaking too.
sophie_03
Sep. 9th, 2010 08:59 am (UTC)
Thank you very much :) x
badly_knitted
Sep. 10th, 2010 09:21 pm (UTC)
Poor angsty Ianto =(
sophie_03
Sep. 12th, 2010 09:37 am (UTC)
Thanks for reading! :)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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quotes and things

“He’s like fire and ice and rage. He’s like the night and the storm and the heart of the sun…

He’s ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of the time and he can see the turn of the universe…and he’s wonderful.”

“They say you’re supposed to talk to people when they’re in a coma, don’t they? I have absolutely no idea whether you can hear me Jack.

I never heard of anyone coming out of one and carrying on the conversation. So I suspect it’s probably something the doctors tell us to do. To make us feel better, rather than help you. We don’t feel quite so useless and helpless. We get the feeling there’s still some sort of purpose in our lives. We’re not just waiting. Waiting for the science to work. Or the miracle to happen. Or the nightmare to end.

I’m not much of a talker Jack, you know that, but I’ll talk to you now on the off chance that it helps.

Just promise me, if you’re hearing this, that when you come round - and you’re going to Jack. You’re gonna come out of this - just promise me you’ll bring up anything I say to you now. How’s that? We got a deal?

This must be the longest I’ve ever looked at you and not see you smile. I’ve watched you in your sleep, did you know that? So many times.

Just woken up beside you in the middle of the night, and watched you. Watched your eyes move behind your eyelids as you dreamed. I tried to imagine what a man like you could possibly dream about. Things you’ve seen. The lives you’ve lived. The people you’ve loved. I wondered if you were dreaming about me, I hoped you’d be dreaming about me.

But let’s be honest Jack. I’m nothing more than a blip in time for you. Everyday I grow a little older. But you’re immortal. You’ve already lived a thousand lifetimes. How could you watch me grow old and die? How can I watch you live and never age a day?

I suppose we both know that will never be a problem. Not in this job. No-one in Torchwood ever lives to draw their pension, do they? Even if, by some miracle, I survive to see my hair turn grey, or god forbid fall out, I don’t kid myself that you’d still be around to see it.

One day you’ll go again, just like you did before, and this time you won’t be back.

Maybe that’s what you’re dreaming about those nights when I watch you sleeping. Maybe that’s why, even when you sleep, I see you smile. But you haven’t gone yet, Jack. I know that. I know you’re coming back to me.”

"But you never will be just a blip in time, Ianto Jones. Not for me."
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